Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Blue Days, Long Nights.

I've been contemplating writing about my personal relationships from the time I was in Iraq to the present. I can't be the only female veteran who has lost love, found love, lost love again, dated, fell in lust, and done it all over again…right? Aside from the awkwardness of dating, things have only gotten more interesting with men after I tell them I’m a veteran.

I’ve seen how women react to male veterans…women are intrigued, they lean in close to hear all the stories these brave guys have to tell, they run their fingers up and down their arms as if they are soothing them, panties practically fly off, and then…well, there’s the reaction I get: “Oh, that’s cool”, “You got a girlfriend?”, “You don’t look like a veteran”, “You carried a gun?” And then for the most part, it’s just back to figuring out how to get into my pants.

I left for Iraq kind of, sort of, not quite sure, maybe in a relationship. My boyfriend of a year and I decided to see how things went while I was over there. I called him, he emailed and sent me packages. A few months into my deployment, I emailed him less and less. How many different ways could we talk about the same thing? Yes, it’s hot. Work was good. We got mortared today, blah blah blah. It’s not that I didn’t want him in my life, I just didn’t know how to keep him part of it. Some days I thought I would get a “Dear Jane” letter in the mail. It would’ve made both our lives easier.

When I got home, my quasi boyfriend jumped right back into relationship mode. We made dinner, watched movies, and rarely ever talked about Iraq. This satisfied him but not me. He didn’t want to know about what I did or what I saw. He wouldn’t look at any of the pictures I had taken. To him Iraq was just a speed bump; something we both had to get over so we could carry on with our lives.

He told me he loved me and I had no idea what love was. I would look into his blue eyes and he was filled with hope. My brown eyes were mat and inconvincible. I wanted to remember what home was like and feel alive when he touched me. This is what made me happy before and this is what I thought I needed to be happy again. He was a stranger to me now and I wasn’t who he remembered.

Our relationship went on for a few months. One night after dinner, we ended up messing around. I unbuttoned his pants and moved slowly down his stomach with my lips and took him into my mouth. I looked up at him. While life was good for him, I had an epiphany. After he finished, he got dressed and held me for a few minutes. I told him I was tired. He left. Sitting on the edge of my bed I replayed our relationship over and over in my mind. I realized he would be perfect for someone just not me. I called him while he was driving home and ended it. I told him we both knew this wasn’t what we remembered and it never could be. I hung up the phone and cried. Within minutes I recovered. I promised myself that was the last dick I would suck who didn’t want to hear about Iraq.

And so the story goes...


Blogger LT Nixon said...


I think a lot of men don't understand what it's like for women veterans, since we'll be the first generation in America with a substantial amount of them. This post is very gutsy and very unique, I dig that. Best of luck to you finding the right guy who'll understand and hope you're having fun in Cali.

1/14/2009 12:05:00 AM  
Blogger Mud Puppy said...

I wish I could put my finger on the pulse of things like that. I am going through the same thing with my girlfriend back home. I am in Afghanistan. I just hope that maybe things turn out a bit different. Keep writing.


1/14/2009 02:21:00 AM  
Blogger Dillinger737 said...

It seems Lt. Nixon beat me to the punch. I agree with him one-hundred percent. This sort of writing is the reason I follow your blog.

1/14/2009 08:41:00 AM  
Blogger olgreydog7 said...

I have to admit, I still feel a little strange about women vets too. I have countless female friends in the service, but it still is a little different talking to them than talking to the men. I guess that's why I'm into your blog. I'll put in a plug for LT Nixon, he's not the best looker around, but he's a good dude!

1/14/2009 12:33:00 PM  
Blogger --Blue Girl said...

I so scored with my husband. I was ROTC and he was bootstrapping a commission on the same campus. I was rappelling down the front of the student union, wearing those 80's Private Benjamin fatigues that did wonderful things for a nice ass, and he looked up. He says it was love at first sight.

It worked out that between us and our dads we had four branches covered. I was 19 and he was 28 with six enlisted years on his sleeve already. We have been together ever since.

Good luck! When it clicks, it's a beautiful thing!

1/14/2009 04:36:00 PM  
Blogger Long-time RN said...

Lt Nixon covered my thoughts. How did the interviews go?

Safe travels!

1/14/2009 10:10:00 PM  
Blogger Pinball said...

This is not the only place we run into this situation. Pick any 'manly' activity and talk to the women who enjoy it. Their dating prospects are smaller. Iraq, will always be a part of you, it is not something that you did it has become a piece of who you are. He will never share that.
If you start dating other vets then there is the risk like two alcoholics dating, reinforcing bad behavior. It sucks, I would suggest looking for someone who can go one for one with you on crazy stories.

BTW If you know where those girls you talked about, the arm stroking ones, hang out, could you the address to me, I still can't find them.

1/15/2009 09:42:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey, my friends and I were just talking that we think we're doomed to date military dudes forever just because of this. Sorry military dudes . . .


1/16/2009 11:40:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

As a woman vet, I feel your pain. I don't really trust the military guys. You hear and see to much. Anytime I meet a guy on the outside, he doesn't get me at all...

Hang in there

1/19/2009 08:29:00 PM  
Blogger GI Kate said...

Thank you all for the comments. I appreciate them. I accidentally rejected a few comments...I apologize.

Mud Puppy-I wish you the best in Afghanistan. Be safe! And good luck with your relationship!

Good luck to all the female vets out there!

1/21/2009 08:07:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

A month ago I was exactly feeling how you are feeling now, in pain, crying, heart broken, and then I found this site saveabreakup.com and I followed their instructions, I had my girlfriend come back to me in no time so fast !! I was so so happy and I'm still very happy, don't give up! I suggest you view the free videos that tell you what to do on saveabreakup.com

9/19/2010 11:53:00 PM  

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