Thursday, October 23, 2008

How to be feminine in the Army.

I’m always asked things like…don’t you feel like a guy while you’re doing your Army stuff? Don’t you get dirty and sweaty? You’re allowed to have long hair? Shouldn’t you shave it off like in that movie G.I. Jane? Can you wear makeup? Nail polish? Earrings? Thongs? No heels?! Welcome to my world ladies…it’s tough but someone has to do it.

I decided to make a list of how to maintain your femininity while proudly serving your country.

1) Keep your hair long or to your chin. Don’t try any of that in-between length shit. I say this for two reasons. Short hair is extremely hard to keep pulled back. Pieces will always fly everywhere, it ends up falling in your face, and you will never quit make a nice bun out of it. You end up looking like a goddamn mess. I’m particular to longer hair. I just pull it back and go. My hair is thick and when it’s short I tend to look like that guy from No Country for Old Men…this obviously lessens my chances of getting laid when I'm off duty. And remember if you have short hair stuffed under a Kevlar, there is a good chance you may get mistaken for a twelve year old boy.

2) Makeup is allowed. Some may think it is ridiculous women in the military wear makeup but it’s not. Before I go any further, let me explain what appropriate makeup is. Please don’t be that girl who uses two pounds of eyeliner and mascara in the morning. There is no room for that Amy Winehouse off the eyelid eyeliner crap in the military. I say keep your eyes naked but if you’re one of those mascara freaks just use a little. Some women don’t have perfect skin and they need a little something to help them out. Foundation is acceptable. Just make sure it matches your skin color, so you don’t have that orange line around your face. Blush? Why not. Do not make your cheeks bright pink. I would go towards that sun kissed look. I would suggest staying away from lipstick unless you are a pit bull. Lip gloss, is okay but if anyone asks just say it’s chap stick and that you’re addicted (it has always worked for me).

3) Earrings? This isn’t the goddamn Air Force.

4) Nail polish? Use it. Your nails will break and become frail. Don’t use reds, purples, blues, french manicure style, or anything fancy. I would suggest using a clear polish just to protect your nails. We don’t need man hands, now do we?

5) Panties, Underwear, Knickers, whatever you want to call them. In basic training we all wore those huge white granny panties…not cute and please stop wearing them if you still do. Some women wear thongs in uniform and I have no idea how they do it. I imagine their ass would get all irritated and red. Gross. I wear low-rise bikinis from Victoria Secret…this is important because they don’t give me wedgies and they are comfortable. I should probably stay away from what type of underwear you want to wear…but leave the thongs for when the lights go out.

6) Lets talk about the end of the day, when you pull off your boots and socks and notice the lovely sock line around your calves. That annoying indentation won’t go away, so this is when you have to decide what is best for you. I know you want to look cute when everyone heads out to the club on post but don’t wear a dress or skirt if you have those damn lines. They take away from the fact that your blew out your hair, sprayed some perfume, and ditched the combat boots for a few hours. They are also a clear reminder to the drunk male soldier dancing with you, that you’re still a soldier and not this hot chick he picked up a bar. The lines kill it. Wear some tight jeans and throw on some heels, but hide the lines.

7) Bras…well there is always the super sexy sports bra. Wear it when you are doing PT and then hide it. Push-up bra is only for those who don’t have huge tits. Lacey bras might annoy your skin if you’re rolling around in the dirt. I would have to go with the good ’ol lightly padded cotton bra. It holds you in place, doesn’t itch, and when you have an IBV on that little padding works wonders.

8) I suppose this doesn’t really have anything to do with femininity but it’s something I’ve noticed over the years. Ladies, when you take off your uniform and put on civilian clothes, why do some of you look like you came out of the late 199s? I know sometimes we can only do our shopping at the PX and lord knows, they aren’t up on the current fashions but order clothes online. It’s not cute to wear Hello Kitty t-shirts over the age of 12, stonewash jeans, and shiny platform shoes. You look lost. Guys don’t think you’re not victims of the PX because you are. Cargo jeans are meant for carpenters, keep it that way. “Wife beaters” aren’t sexy, and don’t wear those stupid Army shirts that says “Hooah” or “Been there, done that.”

9) Lose the combat boots whenever you can and throw on some heels. You don’t even have to be going anywhere but put them on when you are laying in bed, when you are cleaning, or whenever you feel like you are losing your sexiness. Just because the Army has us running around, sweating, pissing in the woods and wiping with leafs, low crawling in dirt, climbing on trucks and firing weapons, doesn’t mean we still aren’t gorgeous women…it just means, we have a lot more experience then the women who never take off their heels. Be proud.

Hope this helps!

6 Comments:

Anonymous Victor said...

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10/23/2008 05:41:00 PM  
Anonymous jason is mean said...

nice.

10/24/2008 01:18:00 AM  
Blogger lela said...

Good post...but what it boils down to is wear what makes you comfortable and lets you be yourself. A woman in the military is still a woman. There's nothing wrong with acting like it. A woman's professionalism and competence at her job is what's important to the military and to those she works with (male and female, alike). When a woman is comfortable in who she is, she's more comfortable in what she's doing.

Personally, I like being a woman. So I'd wear makeup and sexy undies under my uniform and spritz myself with a bit of perfume. I was also in the AF, so I'd wear earrings and finger-rings, but then I didn't have a job where safety was an issue. But I also knew that I worked in what was, in essence, a man's world; so I didn't go out of my way to look provocative at work. I saved it for "personal time." Much better to keep the lines clearly drawn, don't you think?

10/24/2008 09:07:00 AM  
Blogger olgreydog7 said...

Best post yet! I think you give men too much credit. I don't think you'd have a problem getting laid. I also don't understand why more women don't take your approach to this.

10/24/2008 04:25:00 PM  
Anonymous Tom Goering said...

No kidding, this is a Great post!

10/27/2008 08:01:00 PM  
Anonymous PFC Topham said...

I've always worn brown mascara instead of black in uniform. I have really light lashes, so I like the boost.

11/18/2010 02:40:00 PM  

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